Birth Story, Part III
The labor and delivery team swarmed in again, the surgeon and midwife sat at my bedside, and they had the look on their faces; I could tell, even through their masks.
Babies only have a reserve of oxygen in the womb for up to 10 minutes, so we had only seconds to decide.
I looked back at my husband; we didn’t even have time to discuss what was happening.
In retrospect, I know I should have felt panic - fear, even. But to my surprise, a wave of calm crept over me; I knew that whatever happened, we would both be OK. So I looked at the midwife and surgeon to agree, and before I could finish the sentence I was being wheeled to the OR.
James was told to stay back while I was prepped, and he was brought into the room a few minutes later.
I was hooked up to tons of wires, a drape was placed above me, and the surgeon popped over the top to tell me that I was doing great. The anesthesiologist kept James & I informed of what was happening the whole time, and then we heard a cry - the team yelled “hello!,” (he actually had to be resuscitated, as he was distressed and wasn’t breathing on his own right away) and a few moments later my son was looking at me with the most serene expression on his face; it was as if he had never been in distress.
Truthfully, he had the same look of calm on his face that had crept over me prior to the procedure. I guess we both just knew.
I was shaking uncontrollably from the hormonal release of birth, so I couldn’t hold him right away, but James took him into his arms and my son’s eyes were wide, taking in the world. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t uncomfortable; he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be.
At 3:30am I was wheeled into the OR for an emergency cesarean, and at 3:36am Rowan made it Earth-side.
It took six minutes to bring him into the world, and it took 45 minutes to close my incision.
When I got back to the room, James was doing skin to skin and Rowan was looking for food - so he brought him to me and he latched instantly on my breast (my breastfeeding journey is not that beautiful, but that’s a story for another day).
As he nursed, I looked up at James, and then down at Rowan; everything was perfect in that moment. I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t in pain. It was all love.
You see, in all honesty, I never wanted kids; I never felt maternal; I never wanted to be a mom; and I didn’t feel connected to Rowan while he was in my womb.
But in that instant I knew: I was Rowan’s, and he was mine.
We were meant to be on this journey together this whole time; I just had to meet him to know it.
The rest, as they say, is history.
To be clear, my body didn’t fail me.
Not for a second.
My body carried me. My body was - is - home to divine feminine energy that drew a soul from the sky, nurtured it, and gave everything trying to bring it into the world.
This is a story of power, strength, and love. Not fear. Not failure. Not regret.
Because my body gave em hell, my body grew the most beautiful soul, and my body is fierce.
That’s not failure; that’s the epitome of creation.
And we are all home, because of it.
